Check out this funny SNL Skit with Conan O'Brian.

Cowboy sayings that will never sound the same after that stupid movie about the gay guys on the mountain (Brokeback mountain, not Lord of the Rings):

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. "I reckon this is gonna hurt a little"
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
    

Three mothers of teenage daughters were discussing how hard it was to raise their girls.

The brunette mother says: "You know, the other day, I find a pack of cigarettes in my daughter's purse. I had no idea that my daughter smoked!"

The red-headed mother says: "Well, the other day, I find a bottle of rum in my daughter's knapsack. I had no idea that my daughter drank!"

Then the blonde mother says: "Oh yeah! The other day, I find a condom in the pocket of my daughter's jeans! I had no idea that my daughter had a penis!"

 There was a French family with a 14-year-old son. The Mother said to
the father: "You know... Our son, Manuel, is 14 now. Maybe it's time we
talk to him about, you know, the birds and the bees..." So the man
goes to his son and says: "Manuel, remember that appointment I arranged
for you with Marie-France?" "Oh yes, father! That was wonderful"
"Well, your mother wanted me to tell you that the birds and the bees...
They do that too!"

A very bad sinner dies and goes to hell.  A daemon informs him
that he can choose his own program.  He shows him a bunch of rooms.


The first room has millions of people standing on their heads on a concrete
floor.  He says that he does not want to live in that room for
all eternity.

The second room has millions of people standing on their heads on a
wood floor.  He says that he does not want to live in that room
for all eternity either.

The third room has millions of people knee-high in cow **** but they're
sitting down drinking.  He decides that he can live with that and
chooses that room.

After settling in and getting used to the room he hears a loud voice
from a speaker that says: "OK the coffee break is over return onto
your heads!"

St.Peter asks Jesus to take over the gate of heaven while he takes a
break.  He explains how to do it and Jesus immediately gets to work. 
He asks the first person to arrive about what he did during his life.


The man responds: "I was a poor carpenter but I had a son and everybody
loved him!"

Jesus: "Father?!"

man: "Is that you Pinnochio?!!!"

In a church, 3 people go to confess.

1st sinner:

priest: What is your sin?

sinner 1: I stole some candy.

Priest: Go say 10 Hail Mary's and drink from the holy water. May the lord
have mercy on you.

He goes and drinks from the holy water.

2nd sinner:

priest: What is your sin?

sinner 2: I dishonoured my parents.

Priest: Go say 10 Hail Mary's and drink from the holy water. May the lord
have mercy on you.

He goes and drinks from the holy water.

3rd sinner:

priest: What is your sin?

sinner 3: I urinated in the holy water!

 A kid (Jack) decided to take a nap in religion class. He said to his
buddy next to him (Joe) to wake him up if the teacher asks him a question.

Teacher: Jack, who is God's son?

Joe tries to shove him but he's sound asleep so he pokes him with a pencil.


Jack: Jesus Christ!

Teacher: Very good, Jack!

Jack returns to his nap. Later on...

Teacher: Jack, who's Jesus's mother?

Again, Joe pokes him with a pencil.

Jack: Holy Mary!

Teacher: Very good, Jack!

Jack returns to his nap. Later on...

Teacher: Jack, what might Jacob's wife have said after the birth
of their 12th son.

*Poke!*

Jack: If you shove that stick into me, one more time, I'll wrap it
around your throat!

 A plane is about to crash and an old widow, realizing she is about to
die, begs a young male passenger: "I'm so old. There's no way I'm going
to survive this so, please, before I die, just once, could you make me
feel like a woman again... " So the man starts ripping off the buttons of
his shirt. Then he passes it to her and says: "Here. Iron this!"

 A man walks into a bar.

Ouch!